My Rant

Hi Everyone,

Not that I actually know who im bothering typing too, I'm just writing to get it off my chest.

I had a pretty shit weekend all up, don't know whether it was my fault for expecting too much, or because I didn't sleep much so was pretty stressed, or the cold that I have.

I'm just sick of being walked all over by everyone, including people who are my family and "friends".

You know, just one small comment or action is enough to hurt someone so that their night is ruined, or even their weekend, and I just don't think that some people realise that. I also don't think people realise that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship between two people. AND I don't think that anyone can judge me and Matt on our relationship, without living 24/7 with us.

I kept something from Matt for too long and all the time before I told him it killed me. Every night I would lay awake wondering what would happen if I told him, this that and the other. I was so stressed I couldn't sleep and I started eating alot all day. I had no energy, no spark, my life was shit. One night I told him, and I felt so great. Yes, I had to face what I had done, and look into Matt's eyes while they filled with disapointment, but we moved on. The trust has been regained, and I love him more and more everyday.

The point I am making, is be honest to yourself and MOST DEFINATELY to your partner. A relationship cannot be forged on a bed of lies. Seriously people, what are you thinking???

Also I hate snide comments.... Why bother? If you have a problem with me. SAY IT TO MY FACE!!!! - And if you can't say it to my face, then think about why you have the problem with me, and why you don't have the balls to come clean.... Is it because you don't actually have anything to back the claim up with?

I'm sick of trying hard for friends. I want to just be myself, and have proper friends. Now I think about it, back to high school and further. I never had many proper friends... I've always been shat on by people, and I've always changed myself to try and become their friends. I don't understand why society cannot just accept someone regardless of their sexual oreientation, looks, weight and opinions. And I also cannot understand, why people with perfectly valid opinions, have to force them onto other people who also have valid opinions. They do the whole "i'm opinionated, get over it" thing. You'd think they'd understand when other people have opinions.

I'm just sick of trying. I'm sick of changing. I'm sick of listening to all your shit. I'm sick of running away from all my problems. I'm sick of never challenging anyone. I'm sick of hiding in the background incase someone finds my opinions/personality overwhelming. I'm sick of bitching behind backs. I'm sick of knowing people bitch behind mine. I'm just sick. Why don't you all go back to high school because it seems to be where you would fit in best.

Going back to my previous comment about one comment, one sentence being enough to hurt someone. Please people, listen to what you are saying!!! Why bother whispering to your partner "Eww, look at her hair" or "Oh my God! I can't beleive she said that"? What do you think would happen if they overheard? Are you prepared to back it up? To say to them "yes I am saying your hair looks crap to my partner. It does, but I didn't want to tell you, I just wanted to laugh at you behind your back for these reasons" (Okay not a good example -hair- but gets my point across) Please, think more carefully about what you say and how you act.

Body language is a huge thing that can hurt someone. I have to admit I was offended a few times this week by the body language I was given. Backs were turned on me alot, eye contact was avoided in an effort to aviod conversation, waves were not recepted. Alot of these things, although terribly small, can hurt and can also change the way I feel about someone, even if they didn't MEAN to do it, they still did it. Just watch yourself people

And to the people who change completely depending on who they are with... how can you feel happy with yourself when you go to bed at night? Can you seriously get into bed and think, hmm, today I fulfilled my life to the fullest, even though when I was out with Person A I acted like this... then I rushed to change before Person B came along.

What happens when they mix? When you are in a room with person A and B? I'll tell you. Someone get ditched or shat on. SOMEONE STARTS TO GET HURT. Don't you understand that by doing this you are hurting someone??????? Changing HURTS. Be yourself you don't need to be two or more different people. When I see some of my friends doing this... I don't know what to do... It's usually me who gets shat on.

And WHAT? pray tell, is the point of doing something that makes you feel shit? That makes you wake up in the morning and say "I don't remember last night, I hope I didn't fuck anything up" Or even worse, remembering and thinking "Oh, shit I did fuck something up". It is this (and I might add, it is not me in any way shape or form who has done this, but I am doing this to hopefully encourage others to do the same) that has made me decide to give up alchohol. I can't see the point of it anymore, I guess I am over it. I had some fun with it, now I am going to grow up. Essentially, I will also be detoxing my body from the toxins of alcohol which is a good start down the path I want to go.

Now I am ranting on, and I know some of you are going to take this to heart and think I was talking about you and this that and the other. IF ANY OF THIS MAKES YOU THINK I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU - then that is the area you need to make changes in. Do not come to me and ask if I was talking about you, I am not mentioning this. Please, just make a consious effort to be honest to yourself and others, and especially me.

And if any of this doesn't make sense or sounds hypocritical to you all, well whatever. It made sense to me, it got my anger/resentment/sadness off of my chest.

Caroline xxoo